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14 March 07

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Everyone is growing up

Today I found out my best friend from Form 2 (Year 7) just had her baby. I felt excited, intrigued and well, a little ‘old’. She’s now living in Australia and I would so love to see her. She’s also the first in my close network of friends that have ‘moved onto’ what I call adulthood. It also seems lately that the folks who were the same year of high school as me are now going to do their Big OE, or living somewhere offshore. It’s weird to perceive all this, since I have already brought my first house, living with my partner and juggling the acts of having a career as a designer. But it’s like I’m pursuing my dreams of ‘blank’. Here’s where I am supposed to insert something dramatic. Being a graphic designer doesn’t seem to fit, and neither does having my own house, or owning a dog. What are my dreams? Unlike all my friends who are out discovering the world, their dreams of travelling, of marrying, or even becoming a parent, I feel I’m still discovering what’s going on inside – of me.

I’m trying to figure out how young, and ‘immature’ I still feel, even though it’s been a few years since I’ve celebrated my 21st. Surely I’ve changed since then: I was completely relationship phobic, and now I’ve been in a long-term relationship for almost 3 years. (The other day we were even talking of what we thought of a ‘pre nup’!) In my 21st year I was still at design school, still believing that I couldn’t graphically design (my illustration grades were much better) and that I had to just do my best. I was also partying lots and living at home. Okay here’s the part that is strange. I’ve got my own house, I’m looking after a dog (as well as a man), I still go to parties sporadically, I am a graphic designer, I’m doing all these things that are my new lifestyle, but I feel like I’m a still kid – who’s saying she’s got too many responsibilities. So I resist – I develop strategies like whining about everything and even binging on junk food. Why am I so intent on staying like a child? I’ve done a bit of self-discovery through life-coaching and awareness and here’s what I’ve figured.

My childhood was a bit stunted and I’m still trying to retrieve and resist growing up. It seems that I’ve been trying to grow up ever since I was a young girl. Being brought up as the youngest child in a strict Asian environment I was taught that almost everything I wanted to do was ‘bad’. E.g. Playing with my neighbour’s daughter who walked in barefoot was ‘bad’, speaking up was ‘bad’, and so was having fun. Nevertheless, I continued to do most things that I enjoyed, but I was never allowed to be completely free. Stung after a big family dinner where I announced I wanted to become an actress when I grew up, I decided that I also couldn’t dream to be what I really want. I actually don’t want to become an actress now, but because I had to be so ‘realistic’ even when I was a child, it squashed any fantastic potential of dreams that I could’ve now been trying to develop.

But one thing did kind of come into fruition.

You see, since I was about 11, or even younger I’ve been creating my own magazines. I’ve got about half a dozen that I used to spend weeks creating them from felt pens, magazine clippings, and I’d also write my own articles. Favourite topics included the Japanese cartoon Keroppi, and fashion drawings. Even in those days I knew how to market a service and I used to design ‘advertisements’ within the magazine where for a $1 subscription you’d be in the Japanese Club and receive a neat starter pack of stationery and newsletters!

Suddenly I’ve discovered that my design career isn’t too far off the mark with my favourite creative hobby as a kid. It’s journal entries like these (where I almost always begin with a whiny, negative note!) that I can reflect and find the silver lining to the black cloud that’s been over-hanging. I don’t regret that I’m not doing a Big OE, or that I’m in a long term relationship, or that I need to watch my financials to support our mortgage. Why? I’m far too ‘unsettled’, and intrigued to learn more about myself than to jump on a plane or try out lots of boyfriends. Some people may judge that as a lack of adventure on my persona but why would I need to do these things to define who I am?

Moreover my intent is to try and rediscover my childhood by bringing back my dreams and trying to achieve and manifest those. I can imagine that by recognising my passion and aiming to satisfy it is the only way I’ll feel balanced to my age and how happy I am with my life. I am very lucky that I’ve chosen a creative path as a career, and that one day I’ll be completely fulfilled by my very own Japanese Club. Amen!

This is the collection of my magazines, you can see most of them are hand drawn with some magazine clippings as images.

Here’s my 1996 Version – this is the last magaine I designed by hand. That’s almost 11 years old! I was 12.

I even designed a wee calendar as a ‘freebie’ in the Keroppi edition!

Wee fashion models that I used to love drawing as a kid – I had a Japanese cartoon as inspiration.

This is a page from one of my magazines advertising my Japanese Club. It wasn’t fake – I had about 4 of my friends who joined!

This is my favourite magazine cover which I hand drew. and used good-old felt tip pens. See that a Free calendar is inside!

Mat # Mar 15, 12:31 PM

You were doing this at 12? Damn, I need a little practice.

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