Sevenzest

Babble

20 June 07

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Getting out of an uncomfortable situation

I’ve been back from Hong Kong almost a month now. It was a fantastic trip, one which I’m gonna be remembering for the rest of this cold winter!! I treated myself so much – I thought about how hard I’ve worked, especially when I was teaching, working part time AND freelancing. But actually I think I just relaxed as a person. Man, I adore holidays, and a part of me relinquishes the days of endless shopping, spontaneity and none of that annoying part of me who tells me what I have to do today etc etc.

I’m not sure if it is the holiday, or missing my good friend that recently left my part time inhouse job, or if it’s the ‘Winter’ blues, sometimes I sit at work and wonder how I got here? What actions have I taken that has lead me to feel so negatively at work? There’s a unmistakable feeling of unbalance… It’s like I’m searching for design that isn’t to do with advertising, and it feels *there is an unexpressed part of me that I’m trying to bring out, but the work itself ain’t allowing this expression to happen. And I’m not liking this one bit. Yesterday were the days which I felt great to make a difference; I was new and people were wowed by my efforts; today I felt powerless by noticing the lack of inspiration. I am itching to do something about it. Something more creative and I need to have that fun back in my designs.

What I still love doing at the current job:
Seeing a project come into fruition from the ‘unknown’ of whether it will work to seeing the final product in place.
Talking to the sales reps at work! (the social factor is a bit dull in freelancing unfortunately)

More things I have experienced and would like to do more of:
Illustrations – by hand. I’m thinking it’s the process that excites me, creating from scratch (ideas, research, sketching on paper and then digital refinements)

Photography (stock art is making me go insane!)

Creative direction and project management

Designing patterns

Being ‘absorbed’ in a design

What’s keeping me at work here:
Hours – part time.

Safety: regular income, holidays

Variety – doing two jobs

What are my problems?
I feel guilty – I feel guilty for not being dedicated to this job, and wanting and looking always for alternatives. I feel bad for not being appreciative. After all, they have given me a lot. But all I can do is complain.

I want to change:
I want to move towards a goal. I’ve asked God/Universe to give me clear guidance to help my career to one that I love, that I can use my talents, my interests and combine these so I have a good income and an interesting job. “Please give me a sign, and some steps for me to move into a new and better opportunity.”

So here it is, I got it out of my system. It’s becoming more clear as I go that I want to fully let go and freelance full time. But will I make it?! We shall find out…