Sevenzest

Babble

20 July 06

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Where the fear lies

Right in the pit of my stomach. I’m on lack of decent sleep, sensitivity to caffiene, binging on a large amount of ridiculous junk food, resistance to red wine, and lack of faith in the future. Big changes are ahead and I’m pretty shit scared.

Last night I sat on my kitchen table (I wanted to be near Chowwow – our cutsie Jack Russell as the latest addition to the family) and looked through the Flash 5.0 manual. I couldn’t believe how much was necessary to learn before I could teach this stuff in the coming weeks. So I sat there literally reading through the basics. When I say basic, I still mean that nearly every 3rd sentence I would come across a word that I would require me to go into another chapter and find out what THAT word meant so I could understand the technique.

The scenario reminded me of sitting in the English exam at 5th Form and cursing at myself for the lack of knowledge. Perhaps I’m freaking out too much. But perhaps not. I still retain the responsibility for someone else’s learning – and I really want to be a great teacher! I’ve come to realise in these past couple of months that I place very tough demands on myself (I believe it comes from having critical parents as I child), but I also know that this pressure goes to my disadvantage. For example I KNOW that I have a great attitude and mentality to work in which I want to do the best, but then sometimes the immense pressure creates a polarity in myself – I end up procrastinating. After feeling so self-defeated today I think I ought to make a plan for the next couple of months so I stay on track. This also means taking the time to look after myself, and enjoying the life that I have dreamed about. Whoever told me to stop and smell the roses did really well because now I am remined that:
1). I have a lovely man that I want to be forever with
2). We have a beautiful puppy that is teaching us how to really love and take care of another
3). I am going to have the variety in my career that I’ve always craved
4). I’m healthy (well, I need to maintain that more), and living.

Anyway tis all for today,
Chow!