Sevenzest

Babble

27 April 06

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Life's unfair

I’m trying to understand life at the moment, how I can create something positive from the loss of my partner’s mum. Or whether the loss was a test to how I can help others including myself heal and learn to live a more meaningful life.

Frankly I’m so exhausted from the confusion, through interrupted sleep and childhood insecurities which is leading me into what I believe to be a real turning point in my life. You see, life is not stressful when it’s static (no it never is anyway), but when I am suddenly deprived of my little ‘safety zones’ such as the tendency to rely on my partner to express his enthusiasm and love to me, then I face the frightening life term – change.

Through suffering the loss of my partner’s mum I am faced with the biggest challenge. How could I support another when I am feeling the loss and confusion too? From the initial shock and sadness, my feelings have evolved to terror and disgust of how unfair life could be sometimes. What was so terrible about her life? Couldn’t we all have been old too before she left so that it would be easier for us to accept? I feel utterly guilty for not living MY life to the full, and appreciating each moment with love for I feel I treat time and take it for granted. Sometimes I sit at work thinking how can I possibly be BORED when I am granted to be ALIVE and healthy!

I am going to be more patient with myself, and I hope my feelings of defeatism and anger will be able to pass to be replaced with constructive feelings. It is motivating as I am beginning to see how I can fulfill my life more. The other day I pondered at how many neat ideas and things I want to do with my freelance business, and have looked into manufacturing companies to inspire a cool productline for Sevenzest. Creating and having fun will help me and my partner heal, I believe. Boy I’m soo glad to be a designer.